A Rough Guide To Racism

Those who have not been following the UK political scene avidly may be surprised to learn that analysts have made a remarkable discovery about racism. There are, indeed there always have been, two distinct kinds of racism: Bad Racism (the well-known kind) and Good Racism (the recently-discovered kind). Confused? No need to be. Here are some handy tips to help you understand and deal with the two kinds of Racism.

First, how do you go about telling the difference? Well, it's quite simple. Bad Racism is racism that is perpetrated by your enemies; Good Racism is racism that is perpetrated by your friends, or by any of the following.

• People who used to be your friends but have gone a bit mad
• People who you mistakenly believed were your friends but who were always a bit horrible when you weren't looking
• Up-and-coming people it might be worth keeping in with
• People who are on the way down but are not yet out

Obviously, being associated with any kind of racism, good or bad, is not desirable from a public relations point of view. So there are a number of strategies you can adopt to try to minimize the negative effects on your public profile. Here are a few suggestions.

• Stick your head in a bucket of sand
• Stand on your dignity
• Try to turn it into a joke
• Insist that comments have been taken out of context
• Point out some Bad Racism and shout very loudly about it

Alternatively, you could suggest that it was all part of a conspiracy. This usually works. It's best to make the conspiracy big. Really big. World-wide, in fact. And make the conspirators rich - bankers, financiers, that sort of thing. Make them powerful, influential and grasping. Oh no, wait a minute, scrub that strategy. I think it's been used already.